Purse your lips, the old bag stays! (published on Jan 5, 2006 and not my title!)

You know you are getting old when your teenage daughters buy you a purse for Christmas and it’s a “table-topper” not a “grounder”! Let me explain: a “table topper” is a cute little purse that you can put on the table when you are dining out, whereas, a “grounder” is the type of gargantuan purse that needs to rest on the floor because if it was resting on the table it would inhibit everyone’s view! What are the advantages of a table topper: well, it makes a fashion statement, you’ll never lose it in a Dairy Queen because it’s under the table, and your daughter will appear in public with you… unfortunately, it has disadvantages! Let me tell you what the table topper can’t carry compared to the grounder: your sewing kit (that you used to sew up your daughter’s skirt in church when it split open), a bottle of lotion (that everyone in your family uses because it’s so stinking dry outside), the everything tool (that dear husband needed to cut something or other), the feminine products (that my daughters would be totally grossed out to be carrying), the coupons (for that great sale on sportswear and the free french fries that keeps the little ones happy while you shop for that impossible to find swimsuit for daughter), all your receipts (in case you need to return the sewed up skirt), the two chocolate bars (that keep you happy when you’re shopping for i.t.f. swimsuit!), hardened licorice (that you brought into the movie theatre because you were too cheap to buy popcorn, after all you just paid 50 bucks for a movie that you could buy in two months for $16.99) all the cards, including banks (to use whatever account still has money in it), and credit (useless because they’re full), and lastly all the loose pennies, old candies, pencil stubs, earrings, elastics and eyelash curler floating at the bottom! Next time your daughter complains and asks why you’re not using the cute little “table topper” purse she bought you, and still using your “grounder”, reply with a dignified smile, “This isn’t my purse, it’s an emergency survival kit!”